I have been struggling with continuing the blog because I didn’t want this to be the first post back, however I can’t pretend it’s not apart of our lives and I don’t ever want to. So this is not a happy post, but if I’m not willing to be honest about when life completely sucks, I am also not opening the door for God to be glorified. Despite all the pain and sorrow, I have seen God’s merciful love through it all. Many friends and family already know where this is going and for some the ache may be to much. Don’t feel bad to skip past. I don’t mind and won’t even know if you do.
Right before I left for Florida in March we found out we were pregnant again. We were surprised and overjoyed with the news and this time I was excited. A little over a month later we found out I miscarried. To say its been a rough several weeks feels like a callous understatement. That little baby brought us so much excitement and joy even if it was only a short period of time.
I know this isn’t the way we are expected to deal with it all. Its not something people want you to talk about, but it’s our baby and will always be, and I’m not going to pretend it never existed.
I remember hearing a pastor say that people love to say God is good when things go wrong, but when someone can still say it in the middle of a storm, you know they really believe it. I used to wonder would I believe it? Could I truly say that in a trial? In my past the answer was a definite “NO!” But now, for the first time I can. I don’t like what happened, I hate it with everything in me, but yet, God is still good, and I find it encouraging that I can say that.
I don’t like what God did. If I could change it I would. However, I can see his sovereign hand and love through it all.
So where’s God through all this?
The morning of April 10 I heard a heartbeat, by that night it was gone. Although we didn’t have an ultrasound until two days later, I now understand why I could no longer find it. In my mind that was the day we actually lost the baby, even though it was confirmed two days later.
April 10, was the date 16 years ago when my grandpa died. The very best day of his life was the day he began the rest of eternity in the presence of Christ, and God graciously picked the same day for my baby. God could have picked any day. He was the one that reminded me I had a doppler and to check for a heartbeat that morning. He was the one that put it on my mind to do it again that night. He graciously had my baby get to meet him exactly 16 years after my grandpa. And just like all those years ago, Easter was the following Sunday. It was a reminder that my baby wasn’t alone and was completely loved. Not only is my baby in the presence of God but also getting to meet all those who have gone before.
I like to think that just maybe, my baby got to meet our Creator and Lord holding the hand of my grandfather.
Danny is still a big brother and we still have two babies, but we are heartbroken to not get to know all that entails this side of eternity. I have the peace that my baby is joyously dancing through the streets of heaven, never to knowing the pain of this world, and living life in the perfect glory of God.
But here we just are left to grieve the loss and missing what will never be.